Juicy Words

Forgive and Love a Cheating Spouse

Have you tried to forgive your spouse of adultery only to have it all come back to haunt you later? This happens because we have not forgiven in its completeness. Anyone can say they have forgiven, but what is your heart telling you?

Do you think it is the end of your marriage because your spouse had an affair? On the contrary it’s time to nurture, cultivate, and cherish the marriage even more. It is time to start plucking out the mischievous weeds to make room for the tender new shoots.

The purpose for forgiving those who have hurt us is to clear out unwanted emotions, and free our minds from negative clutter. This needless stuff builds up if we don’t do anything about it. First and foremost we need to be mentally and spiritually healthy so we can express feelings and needs appropriately to our spouse. Then and only then can we actually forgive in completeness?

One of the most difficult aspects of forgiving is the ability to stop picturing the hurt in our mind. We may actually try and envision what it was like for our spouse while they were engaged in the sexual act with another person. We want to know if they enjoyed it or not. We want to know why they did it. We may even believe there is something wrong with us sexually. All of these things enter our mind even after we have forgiven, and they can literally tear us apart.

My motto has always been that we absolutely need to take care of our self first before we can take care of another. If we are all messed up inside, full of bitterness and resentment towards our unfaithful spouse, we certainly cannot forgive them. The same applies with love. Don’t we need to love ourselves first before we can love another?

So this brings me to detachment. We become healthy in mind by detaching with love. What’s that? As Jesus would say, “Turn the other cheek.” We need to let it go! Letting emotional qualms trouble us will not help the forgiveness process. When we let the anger and bitterness go from within our inner being, we can start applying constructive ways to build back up the wounded marriage.

Detaching only means we are not going to allow the weakness of our spouse to CONTROL our mental and spiritual well-being. If we are still angry and bitter over their unfaithfulness, we invariably make their sin a part of who we are by obsessing over it every chance we get. Detaching gives us the freedom to forgive!

If we refuse to forgive our spouse we are missing the wonderful opportunity to experience the joys in forgiving and sharing that happiness with our spouse. The marriage will miss out on the growth process that takes place within its framework, and the couple’s own spiritual outlook on life. Marriage can remain stunted by not forgiving or it can grow out from the selfish aspect of each couple by forgiving completely.

No doubt, it is difficult to forgive when our spouse has had sex with someone else. But that’s just it; we are flabbergasted that our spouse would err against the marriage in such a way. We feel duped, unloved, and deceived! We want restitution at all costs! For some of us that means divorce. This initial feeling, of course, is completely understandable. We have been hurt deeply by the unfaithfulness of our spouse and justify our own bad behavior by literally making ourselves the victim of our spouses err. But who really is the victim here?

In reality, we make our self the victim of our spouse’s weakness by obsessing over it and not forgiving. We do that to our self. No one does that for us. Divorce over unfaithfulness is totally unnecessary. Couples can work through this infidelity issue properly and grow from it to boot.

Did our spouse have an affair to do wrong purposely against the marriage? I don’t think so. Most of the time when a spouse is unfaithful it has nothing to do with the other spouse. The reasons behind unfaithfulness stem from the need for constant self-gratification, low self esteem, and lack of spiritual wisdom and knowledge.

Here’s how it works. First the idea to be unfaithful is imagined in the mind. Secondly it is mediated on with vivid scenes and great clarity. Thirdly, adultery somehow becomes justified because of wrong thinking, and cultural influences. Finally the act of adultery is actually carried out in the physical sense. Sometimes the guilty party feels remorse about defiling the marriage bed, and won’t do it again. No one finds out, case closed.

But sometimes-promiscuous acts continue, and that is because the adulterer has not humbled himself to God for the guidance he so very much needs to help him to turn away from tempting and enticing situations. Unfaithfulness in marriage is only a symptom of a greater problem. But so often when marriages break apart couples blame infidelity as the culprit, but it is not the real problem.

The real issue is most likely boredom, lack of respect and commitment for one another. But those are the main features God had designed especially for marriage! And since the culture of society has made it justifiable to sleep around from bed to bed, house to house, couples have decided to make themselves a part of that promiscuous world instead of God’s world. So in essence the real problem stems from lack of spiritual wisdom guiding couples in their faithless marriage!

Unfortunately, so many marriages of today deal with the issues of adultery. Culturally speaking, isn’t it a thing of normalcy for a spouse to be unfaithful in their marriage? No one gives a darn! But this kind of thinking is destroying lives. It is not normal to have sexual relations outside of marriage! It is very wrong and goes against all that God has created and planned for marriage! Adultery breaks the bonds of trust and respect for the person we married, and carries with it a heavy sword of sinful rebellion against what God has created.

You see, if we have not yet acknowledged the realm of God’s world and are lacking in the knowledge of God’s goodness, we, through our own understanding, allow our wayward thinking patterns to take charge. But what do we know? We know our negative feelings! That’s what we know.

Our feelings tell us to be bitter because our spouse had sex with someone else. So what do we do? We become bitter! Our feelings tell us to stay resentful, and so we resent our spouse. Our feelings tell us the grass is greener over there on the other side of the fence. So we go to the other side. How can we forgive properly when our negative feelings our controlling us!
These unhealthy emotions make our attitude, and ultimately tell us how to view the world around us and how to live in the world.

In contrast, a healthy spiritually minded person allows self to be directed by God’s insight where it looks beyond selfishness and into the loving person they were meant to be. We absolutely need to have the knowledge and wisdom of God within the framework of who we are, so we can understand how to respect and love our spouse properly. Why on earth would anyone want to continue carrying the mistakes of sinful weakness throughout the marriage?

Matthew 7:24-27 Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on a rock. The rain came down, the streams rose and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against the house, and it fell with a great crash.

Bottom line. The ability to forgive does not stand with us alone. We just do not have the complete understanding to actually forgive without ever bringing up the offense again to our spouse, and even to our self! What happens is we only forgive superficially, which keeps us feeling the burden of the hurt. But we don’t want this because here is what happens. If we only forgive superficially the offense will continually evade our heart and mind, consequently, bitter feelings take over and control what we do and how we behave.

Do you want to lash out in anger at your spouse? Then forgive superficially. Do you want to say hateful and mean things to the person you married? Forgive superficially.

Do you want to respect and trust your spouse again? Then forgive completely.

Here is how you forgive. First, understand this: The Holy Spirit is our greatest blessing and gift from God that we, as His children receive when we share ourselves with Him. When we give up the selfish ego to God, He will in return gives us the gifts of how to love properly, how to hope, how to have faith with conviction, and how to forgive completely. When we act on His instructions we are allowing the power of the Holy Spirit to take over in our marriage and life and we are submitting to His will for us.

God is in control. Remember, we do not have the ability under our own understanding to forgive properly, to love completely, or to understand and utilize the blessed gifts of the Holy Spirit. We know that all these awesome gifts come from God. But that is all we know. Not until we put all of this into practice will it actually be real to us. We will not understand what it is that God wants for us, until we submit our sinful and selfish lives to Him.

We want it all. But to have it, we must experience it first.
May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth. A loving doe, a graceful deer-may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be captivated by her love. Why be captivated, my son, by an adulteress? Why embrace the bosom of another man’s wife? Proverbs 5:18-20

Copyright 2005 Angie Lewis

Angie Lewis is author of Journey on the Roads Less Traveled, an eye opening spiritual journey about love, life, beliefs, marriage, temptation, faith and spiritual awareness.
for more information on this unique book, go to website.

http://www.spiritual.journeybooks.4t.com

ISBN 1413788904

Available Amazon and other online bookstores.

Secrets of a Happy Marriage

My husband and I have a perfect marriage.

There. I said it.

Now some of you may be inclined to roll your eyes or gag. Some of you may think I’m exaggerating, lying or suffering from some delusion. Some of you may feel like I’m bragging or insensitively flaunting my happiness in total disregard of all of those folks who don’t have a partner or unconditional love in their lives.

In the past, I would have succumbed to the pressure, and believe me, it IS pressure, to keep my big mouth shut when I would hear folks talk about marriage, or the opposite sex. Regardless of whether I was sitting in the therapist chair talking to clients, on the phone coaching someone or sitting across from a friend at lunch, whenever the topic of marriage came up it I’d hear the litany, “We fight like everyone else.” “It’s never perfect.” and the half-statements delivered with an eye roll and knowing glance, “You know…men…”, “You know…women…”

Let’s face it. No marriage is perfect!

When I was younger, if I voiced my objection to these sweeping statements, “Well, actually we don’t fight.” “My husband isn’t like that at all.” I would be met with, “How long have you been married?” “Five years.” Then the smirk, “Oh, you’re still babies…just you wait.” Or if they would concede that we did have a good marriage it was always disregarded with comments like, “Well, you’re LUCKY.” And, many times I would be told outright, “I don’t want to hear about your happy marriage. I’m married to a jerk.”

So, you hear this enough and you learn to keep your trap shut.

Then, in a group last year, in the midst of a huge discussion about the perils and pitfalls of marriage one of the group members said,

“I think good marriages are an urban myth.”

I just couldn’t let that go.

The FACT is, 13 years in, our marriage is getting better every year. It isn’t blind luck and it certainly wasn’t beginner’s luck, this being a second marriage for both of us. It breaks my heart to see so many bad marriages out there. It really does. A true marriage is an amazing and beautiful bond. (I do include same sex relationships here, despite my earlier reference to the “opposite sex”.) Because we have so very few models of healthy marriages out there, I’d like to share what I have come to appreciate and understand about what makes a marriage work in the hope that some nugget will help you establish, create or strengthen your own bond.

1. ‘Til death do us part. WOW. Do people even promise that anymore? You can’t promise this AND get a pre-nup. I’m sorry if I’m offending everyone out there, but I think entering into a marriage with an exit clause is destructive and dangerous. Nothing you could say will change my mind on this so hang on to those e-mails. The reality is TRUST is critical in a marriage. You can’t trust someone AND ask for a dissolution agreement ‘just in case’. If you need that, one or both of you is holding back or is seeing something that you should be paying attention to but are trying to ignore. Yes, many people have been horribly hurt and feel they need to protect themselves from future risk as a result. Exactly. You are entering in to a relationship with someone you fundamentally do not trust. If I’m in a partnership with someone that may well see me through illness and death, I want to know they are up for that. I need to know that they are capable of loving me even when it’s painful.

Paul Simon says it this way in “Look at That”:

Ask somebody to love you takes a lot of nerve.
Ask somebody to love you,
you’ve got a lot of nerve.

I couldn’t agree more. Think about what you are agreeing to when you enter in to a marriage. I didn’t the first time. I’m older and wiser now. I get it. So does my husband.

2. You are married to/marrying an individual. A finite individual. An evolving individual. An individual put on this earth to do certain things, learn certain things.

The reality is your partner is going to change. This is simply a fact. And it is a fact that each INDIVIDUAL has to figure out for themselves what this life is going to mean to them and how they want to walk their path. You have to get your ego out of the way and love your partner through their evolution. It is NOT your partner’s responsibility to stagnate because you fear change. It is NOT your partner’s responsibility to stay locked in a life situation (say, a miserable job) to maintain your status quo.

Once again I have to give it up for Paul Simon, in his most excellent CD, “You’re The One”:

Nature gives up shapeless shapes Clouds and waves and flame But human expectation is that love remains the same And when it doesn’t we point our fingers and blame blame blame

This whole evolution thing is one that I have really come to appreciate in thelast 5 years. When I changed my career I put myself on a path that acceleratedmy own personal evolution beyond anything I had ever experienced. And it scared me silly. I was one of those folks who feared growing apart from my husband. I didn’t know how he would deal with my changing. In my first marriage my husband was overtly resistant to my growth and change, a predominant factor leading to our divorce. In fact, I have heard MANY stories of similar situations in other marriages…including threats of divorce when one or the other spouse showed signs of becoming too strong or too successful.

The reality for me now is that my husband is incredibly secure and confident and master of his own ship. And he expects me to be master of mine. He didn’t marry a deck hand. Not only does he accept, but he nearly insists that I run my ship through all kinds of uncharted waters and assumes my journey will change me in a myriad of ways. We both know where the harbor is but neither of us wants the other to spend life docked in stagnant water.

3. Your partner is capable of experiencing an entire array of emotions, many of which will have nothing to do with you. Not every emotion is a reflection of you or is something you have to fix. This is a biggie for women especially, but I see it in men as well. Your spouse is angry about work, you have to make them happy. Your partner is sad, you feel inadequate because you were sure you were the source of eternal happiness for them. You’re partner doesn’t like their career, you stay in one that you hate, too, until they get settled in something they enjoy.

One of the things I appreciate the most about my husband, and myself within this marriage, is that we really do understand that we have our own paths. We have both spent many years in the medical field and we are, by nature, participants in life, so we have seen many heartbreaking things. My husband works with disabled children, I worked with adults. When you agree to be present to life, fully present, you expose yourself to great pain and grief as well as joy. Seeing many people die over the years and being with people through dark days in their lives has brought home to each of us that, in the end, it is your own story you are writing. Love each other all you want, but all you really KNOW is that you will be there when you die. And maybe that’s all. So, there is a fundamental loneliness to life, existentially speaking. Everyone you know today can be gone tomorrow. Look, we’ve all seen that happen in recent years in this country.

So, recognizing the truth of this enables Scott and I to have conversations, as fellow humans, about what the journey looks like from our respective paths. We can admit to each other that we are lonely sometimes without feeling like we are making a derogatory comment about our marriage. We can be frightened, or sad or grieving and allow each other that without feeling we have failed by not protecting each other from that experience. Being married doesn’t mean that you can protect each other from life on its most rawly human level.

4. Respect each other’s process. Not everyone copes with everything the same way you do. We all are impacted by life in different ways. What your partner does is not a reflection of you or on you. Here are a couple examples: I used to work in the same hospital with my husband though we never saw each other during the day. When work was over, I’d meet him at his office and we’d walk to the car together. Sort of. While I was wanting to walk with him and hear about his day, he would be racing 10 feet ahead of me. At first I took that personally (let’s give it up for Don Miguel Ruiz!), but then I got my own ego out of the way and remembered that this man is running all day long all over the hospital while I was in one small suite. You can’t just slam on the brakes! So, I allowed him that space to come down from his day and usually by the time we reached the car I had caught up with him and by the time we got home we were in sync. Had I made his process about ME, I would have been cranky, needy, demanding or some other version of annoying and then he’d have to fix me after a full day of work. That would just be creepy, and totally unnecessary.

On a few RARE occasions, I have seen my supremely kind and charming husband nearly pick a fight with beloved friends. I remember the first time this happened and I was mortified…he was debating on some taboo subject (you know, politics or religion) with a really mild-mannered 75 year old friend of ours. Now, I’ve been on the opposite side of Debate Boy a time or two myself and I have to say, it’s intense! As a spouse, I felt apologetic…and wanted to distance myself from the situation. Again, my ego got in the way and part of me was concerned about the reflection of this on me. But then, I got a grip and realized that this man had been involved in a huge string of school conferences which were extremely contentious and he had to be the peacekeeper. So, of course, he had all this pressure built up that was about to make him explode. He needed a good old fashioned argument to decompress! So, once I got it, I laughed, let him go since our friend actually was keeping pace just fine. Even if our friend WAS offended in some way, which he wasn’t in the least, it would have been between the friend and Scott to work it out. It wasn’t about me. Narcissism is just never good for a marriage.

And NO, I have never done anything to make my husband wince, so we’ll leave it at that.

Being committed to another doesn’t mean you become the other. Lives combine but in healthy marriages they don’t become absorbed one into the other. Celebrate each other. Embrace change. Encourage evolution. Remember where you end and they begin. In short, love each other as Other.

Laura Young is a personal development and business coach and collaborator for hire. To learn more about her, visit http://www.wellspringcoaching.com.
To visit Laura’s blog, Musings of an Ant Watcher, go to http://antwatching.blogspot.com

Wedding Videography - 5 Questions You Can Ask

While hiring a still photographer is usually a given for most weddings, hiring a
wedding videographer is sometimes considered more of a luxury. There’s no doubt
about it, weddings can be expensive and sometimes the cost of a videographer can
seem high and well, cousin Billy just got a new camcorder…

But be careful, because along with shooting your wedding, Cousin Billy will probably
also be hitting the bar and maybe hitting on that really pretty bridesmaid because
Billy will be there to have fun, after all you invited him, you didn’t hire him.

So if you really want a video of your wedding (and things like the first dance and the
cake cutting and the bouquet toss,) the only way to make sure you get one is to hire
a professional wedding videographer.

If you do decide to hire a videographer you should get the most for your money and
you should find someone whose style matches your own. Below are the top 5
questions I think it’s most import to ask (besides price.) I’ve put this list together
based on what I actually do in preparing to shoot a wedding. It should give you an
idea of how we go about shooting a wedding as well as help you to get what you
really want out of a videographer.

5 Questions You Can Ask

1: Ask if they use broadcast quality cameras. This can make a big difference in how
your video looks. In the trade these are usually referred to as “3-chip cameras.” Any
serious wedding videographer will have these. Also, find out how many cameras
they’ll use to “cover” the wedding. I generally use two at the ceremony and one at
the reception, though for big weddings I’ll use two at the reception as well.

2: Ask if editing is included. I always edit my videos. Handing over a tape that I’ve
shot and dubbed without touching just isn’t an option for me. Editing makes a
better video for you and allows me to try a little harder during the reception to get
really cool shots - because I know if something doesn’t work, I don’t have to use it.
But of course editing is more work and costs more, so if you’re getting a deal that
seems too good to be true, ask about this one.

3: Ask to see a DVD or tape of their work. I don’t put clips on my website but I do
encourage potential clients to ask for a DVD demo reel. A lot of people hire
someone based on the one-minute clips of video they’ve posted to their website. A
video may look great in a small box on your computer monitor, but what will it look
like on your plasma screen at home? This is also a really good way to see what the
videographer’s style of shooting is. If you find a videographer you like but you’ve
seen an element on someone else’s demo reel that you want to include, don’t be
afraid to request it, most of us are always looking for new ideas.

4: Ask if they use wireless microphones for the ceremony. Again, this is something
any professional wedding videographer will have but it can make a HUGE difference.
I always put a microphone on the groom and one the officiant, minister or rabbi, if I
can. That way I can be sure to get the audio of the entire ceremony crisp and clean
on tape. Since I don’t put one on the bride, by using two this way I can be sure to
get her voice no matter which way she’s facing.

5: Ask how they approach guests. I love to get little clips of the guests offering best
wishes or advice to the couple that I can include in a final edit. But as your
representative, the last thing I want to do is harass your guests. Generally speaking,
I’ll approach guests once and ask if they’d like to participate. I always try to avoid
interrupting conversations if I can. If someone says no, or they don’t feel
comfortable doing it then I take them at their word and don’t pester them.

In my experience, Grandparents usually seem to be the most likely to say, no, so if
you really want them on the video, you may want to say something to them before
the wedding.

©2005 Ronald J. Thomas

Ronald J. Thomas is a wedding videographer based in Los Angeles. He can be found
at CherishVideo.com. He is also the owner
and operator of My Unique Wedding Favors a
site specializing in affordable wedding favors and advice.

Balance your meals

Balance your meals- You can do this by eating properly
throughout your day. Try eating small meals between breakfast
and dinner to keep your blood sugar levels stable. Combine
carbohydrate foods with protein to keep stable blood sugar. Cut
out fat by not eating deep fried foods, fatty meats and foods
such as sugary desserts, hydrogenated foods, packaged and
processed foods. Carbohydrate foods with protein, antioxidents
and iron levels are key to health.

These foods will affect your skin, hair and nails. They will
also leave you feeling tired and energy depleted. Foods such as
steamed vegetables, lightly grilled fish in olive oil with lemon
or lime juice, skinless chicken breast, lean cuts of beef, and
any kind of greens such as spinach, are all excellent choices.
Drink Black teas and green teas which contain antioxidants, and
are good for you in moderation. Carbohydrate foods with protein,
antioxidents and iron levels are key to health.

Iron levels- Your iron levels are important to keep normal, as
iron is a mineral that creates the molecule hemoglobin. This
molecule carries oxygen to our organs and tissues, which we need
to be healthy and feel energized.

Examples of iron foods include red meat, poultry and fish. Plant
sources of iron are better absorbed because they are joined to
other plant constituents. Lentils, molasses, raisins, prunes,
dried fruits and beans are a few examples of plant based iron
foods.

Low iron levels can result in anemia, and if this condition is
left untreated it can be life threatening. Check with your
physician regarding iron levels. Carbohydrate foods with
protein, antioxidents and iron levels are key to health

Ken and Deidre are successful author and publishers of Health
and Fitness tips for your reading pleasure. We have many tips
for you to find. http://www.weddingdresses-gifts-flowers.com

10 Cheap Wedding Favors Ideas

Don’t let the idea of buying expensive wedding favors get you
down. If you’re on a tight budget, we have some great affordable
wedding favor ideas that will let your guest
know how much you appreciated their presence on your special day.

1. Fortune Cookies Buy some fortune cookies in bulk, carefully
slip the message out of each cookie and insert your own. Your
messages can be humorous, sweet, or a simple thank you from the
both of you.

2. Seashells Live near the beach? Spend the day collecting
beautiful shells that will look great wrapped in tulle with a
ribbon embossed with your names and wedding date. Don’t forget
to soak the shells them in warm antibacterial soapy water for
several hours.

3. Bookmarks Purchase a package of heavy paper from a local
business supply store. Create a unique bookmark including an
image of you and your spouse. Add a unique quip, such as: “Each
day of our lives together is a page in a special book,” then add
your names and wedding date. Punch a hole at the top of each
bookmark and use strands of colored yarn as a tassel for this
favor.

4. Deck of Cards Have your images printed on a pack of playing
cards. This will really stun your guests. What a unique gift
idea! Ask your local printer of he can do this for you.

5. Message in a Bottle Purchase clear bottles in bulk. Type a
special message up for each of your guests. Print them off and
roll them up like scrolls. Slip each scroll into a bottle. You
may wish to add confetti to each bottle for décor too! Your
guests will love the message of thank you and they’ll treasure
it as a keepsake for years to come.

6. Personalized Key-Rings Have your picture placed on a key-ring
with your names and the date of your wedding printed on it. It’s
a great little wedding favor that’s inexpensive. It will also
provide the opportunity for your loved ones to have a great
picture of the newly wed couple.

7. Gourmet Coffee Packs Mix and Match! Add different coffee
flavors to different tables so guests can trade-off. Place the
coffee in tulle and tie a beautiful ribbon (which matches your
bridal party’s colors) around the favor. This wedding favor will
be well-received by the adults!

8. Mini Liquors Give everyone a miniature liquor bottle with a
card attached to it. You can print these cards yourself, they
may read: A Toast to Mr. and Mrs. (Last Name) . Supply a
different favor for all of your underage guests.

9. Flower Seed Packages Purchase flower seeds for all of your
guests. Wrap the package in mesh with a note attached that
reads: “May your garden bloom as healthy as our love for one
another.”

10. Photograph CD For the computer savvy families, this is an
excellent idea for a wedding favor. Compile photographs from
both of your childhoods, then your first pictures together-all
the way until this moment. Place them onto a CD for each guest.
Your families and friends won’t believe how much you’ve grown
into the people you are today.